she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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