apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
