I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I am midnight drunk by noon
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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