i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
