Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
