YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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