this beer tastes like vomit already
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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