oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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