Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
