Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
