I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
