If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
