im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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