is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
