Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
