i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
