So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
