dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
