if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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