ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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