i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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