there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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