nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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