fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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