Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
