Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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