Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
