Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
