Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
