i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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