Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
