I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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