I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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