I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
