Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
