1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
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