there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
