Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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