I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
