Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
