Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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