If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
