Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
