I just saw a hot homeless man
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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