just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
