I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
