If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
