i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
