i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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