And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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