There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
