you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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