Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
