Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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