Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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