I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
