Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
