I think I died a long time ago.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
