uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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