I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
