I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
