My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish i was in the wii world.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
